I have a friend who embodies the word "cool". She dresses in an effortlessly flawless way in pieces few can pull off. She has a serene calmness about her and naturally makes you feel a little more relaxed around her. She is the kind of girl you want to be and the kind of girl who is strong... always. I have spent four years around her, sometimes in trying situations, and I have never seen her lose her cool- let alone cry.
Anyone who knows me knows as much as I try and pretend I have it all together and the wisdom and advice to solve any problem, I am not cool as a cucumber. In fact, I have this horrible curse of crying and losing my composure at the absolute worse moments. You can say I "wear my heart on my sleeve" and I'm just "really in touch with my emotions", but to be honest I usually lose it cause I was stupid for holding something in for too long.
Let me tell you a little story. To paint the picture it is freshman year and I am in biology class. Before biology I had math and long story short my math class broke me first semester. Not the actual algebra of it, but the boys in the class that constantly would tell me I'm not enough. Anyways, this rainy Wednesday I had come to biology after a particularly difficult and draining math class and I was pretty much a ticking time bomb for tears. I was sitting in my lab group and I don't even remember exactly what happened, but one of the guys said something and I immediately knew I was about to lose it. I ran to the bathroom and hid in a stall and tried my best to quiet cry (anyone who has tried "quiet" crying knows this is pretty much unachievable). I only allow myself to shed a few tears, dry my eyes, splash water on my face and headed back to class- no big deal right?
Despite my pride in my accomplishment to keep it all together in that moment, it didn't last long. Before I knew it I was just crying at my lab group. Let me remind you I genuinely don't remember what I was crying about (this was a long time ago) but in the moment something inside me broke after hearing all the horrible lies about me in my previous math class and suddenly there was no turning off the snot and tears. Again, I ran to the bathroom (conveniently right across from my bio classroom) and tried to hide in the stall again. Some older, super cool, senior girl found me and asked if I was ok. I tried the, "I'm fine," lie, but it was quite obvious I was just not fine. She asked me what class I was in, I mumbled some barely audible answer, and then my teacher was coming to get my sorry butt out of the bathroom. That day I finally admitted to someone what I had been holding in for so long. I finally told someone the hurt and the pain these guys were causing in my math class.
That chapter of my math class saga ended eventually and now it's a part of my testimony I share to encourage others. But, what I take away most from that day (besides the fact that it's stupid to hold things in for too long) is the fact that I ran to hide when I was "unpresentable". I ran because I didn't want anyone to see me broken. To see that I was hurting and that I had let people's comments get to me. I feared it made me look weak and too broken for anyone to like me.
I will never be the effortlessly cool girl. That is just not who I am. But here is what I want every single person in this world to hear: crying doesn't make you weak. Don't hide your brokenness- it is a part of who you are. I believe that the strong girl is not the one who hides in the bathroom so she can only showcase the moments she wants everyone to see, but the strong girl is the one who has enough courage to show her brokenness.
Anyone who knows me knows as much as I try and pretend I have it all together and the wisdom and advice to solve any problem, I am not cool as a cucumber. In fact, I have this horrible curse of crying and losing my composure at the absolute worse moments. You can say I "wear my heart on my sleeve" and I'm just "really in touch with my emotions", but to be honest I usually lose it cause I was stupid for holding something in for too long.
Let me tell you a little story. To paint the picture it is freshman year and I am in biology class. Before biology I had math and long story short my math class broke me first semester. Not the actual algebra of it, but the boys in the class that constantly would tell me I'm not enough. Anyways, this rainy Wednesday I had come to biology after a particularly difficult and draining math class and I was pretty much a ticking time bomb for tears. I was sitting in my lab group and I don't even remember exactly what happened, but one of the guys said something and I immediately knew I was about to lose it. I ran to the bathroom and hid in a stall and tried my best to quiet cry (anyone who has tried "quiet" crying knows this is pretty much unachievable). I only allow myself to shed a few tears, dry my eyes, splash water on my face and headed back to class- no big deal right?
Despite my pride in my accomplishment to keep it all together in that moment, it didn't last long. Before I knew it I was just crying at my lab group. Let me remind you I genuinely don't remember what I was crying about (this was a long time ago) but in the moment something inside me broke after hearing all the horrible lies about me in my previous math class and suddenly there was no turning off the snot and tears. Again, I ran to the bathroom (conveniently right across from my bio classroom) and tried to hide in the stall again. Some older, super cool, senior girl found me and asked if I was ok. I tried the, "I'm fine," lie, but it was quite obvious I was just not fine. She asked me what class I was in, I mumbled some barely audible answer, and then my teacher was coming to get my sorry butt out of the bathroom. That day I finally admitted to someone what I had been holding in for so long. I finally told someone the hurt and the pain these guys were causing in my math class.
That chapter of my math class saga ended eventually and now it's a part of my testimony I share to encourage others. But, what I take away most from that day (besides the fact that it's stupid to hold things in for too long) is the fact that I ran to hide when I was "unpresentable". I ran because I didn't want anyone to see me broken. To see that I was hurting and that I had let people's comments get to me. I feared it made me look weak and too broken for anyone to like me.
I will never be the effortlessly cool girl. That is just not who I am. But here is what I want every single person in this world to hear: crying doesn't make you weak. Don't hide your brokenness- it is a part of who you are. I believe that the strong girl is not the one who hides in the bathroom so she can only showcase the moments she wants everyone to see, but the strong girl is the one who has enough courage to show her brokenness.
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